The Emperor’s New Clothes
Many years ago there lived an emperor who loved new ideas and fads so much that he spent all his money chasing about trying to be avant garde. He tried riding to the theater in his new stretch Tesla S limousine only to have the batteries catch fire and nearly burn his entire entourage to death. He tried a Vegan diet, but developed a strange allergy to tofu and had to have the Royal Physician perform an emergency blood transfusion from an overweight meat-eating peasant donor. He had the largest collection of New Age Crystals the world had ever seen to induce good karma.
One day two swindlers came to the emperor’s city. They said that they were sex-changers, claiming that they knew how to change the sex of any person. They told the Emperor that this was the all the rage among the enlightened classes across the world, and that changing sex was becoming de rigeur if one wanted to remain relevant and newsworthy.
“It would be wonderful to change sexes,” thought the emperor. “Then, no one could claim that I was waging a war on women whenever I dismissed one Royal Consort for another younger Consort, and I could see who among my court were truly modern and progressive. So he immediately gave the two swindlers a great sum of money to change his sex.
They set up their equipment and went to work. First came the hormone shots and the wigs. The Emperor’s body hair was all waxed away, which really stung. Then came all the new clothes. Some falsies were placed in the clothes since the hormones were really just shots of Vitamin B-12, because the swindlers were not licensed to do this sort of work.
“I really want to see myself in the mirror!” thought the emperor, but he was a bit uneasy when he recalled that anyone who was not impressed with his change might actually be a conservative homophobic hater, and unfit for his position. Of course, he himself had nothing to fear, but still he decided to send for someone else to come see how the work was progressing.
“I’ll send for my honest old prime minister,” thought the emperor. I’ll put this dress on and rely on him to see how the change is coming along. He is very sensible, and no one is more worthy of his position than he.
So the good old prime minister went into the hall where the two swindlers sat shaping a blob of silicone. “Goodness!” thought the old minister, opening his eyes wide. ” The Emperor looks like a silly, tired old queen in drag!” But he did not say so.
The two swindlers invited him to step closer, asking him if the Emperor wasn’t a beautiful and sexy woman. They pointed to the Emperor, and the poor old prime minister opened his eyes wider and wider. “Gracious” he thought. “He has day old beard stubble, and a pronounced Adam’s Apple? I wouldn’t hit this on my drunkest night. Is it possible that I am homophobic? I have never thought so. Am I unfit for my position? No one must know this. No, it will never do for me to say that I was unable to see how beautiful the Emperor is.”
“You aren’t saying anything!” said one of the swindlers.
“Oh, he, I mean she is magnificent! The sexiest of the sexy!” said the old minister, peering through his glasses. “And that little black dress so accentuates his, I mean her figure!”
“That makes us happy!” said the two swindlers, and the Emperor also breathed a sigh of relief.
The swindlers now asked for more money, and more gold, to continue with the transformation, and they continued to shape the blobs of silicone, and a fanny pack to add feminine curves to the Emperor’s male derriere.
The emperor sent other officials as well to observe the progress. They too were startled when they saw the Emperor, but they too told him how wonderful she looked, and advised him to have his coming out party in a grand procession. The entire city was alive in praise of the Emperor. “Magnifique! What bravery! Good show!” they said, in all languages. The emperor awarded the swindlers with medals of honor.
The swindlers stayed up the entire night before the procession was to take place, finshing the silicone body parts. Everyone could see that they were in a great rush to finish the emperor’s new sex change. Finally they announced, “Behold! We are finished!”
“Would his imperial majesty, if it please his grace, kindly remove his clothes.” said the swindlers. “Then we will fit you with your new body, right here in front of the large mirror.”
The Emperor took off all his clothes, and the swindlers began gluing the additional silicone curves on him, piece by piece, along with the falsies. Then they put the dress and the wig on him, and the emperor turned and looked at himself into the mirror.
“Yes, I am ready!” said the Emperor. “I guess I am beautiful?” He turned once again toward the mirror, because it had to appear as though he were admiring himself in all his glory.
The emperor walked beneath the beautiful canopy in the procession, and all the people in the street and in their windows said, “Goodness, the Emperor, I mean Empress is incomparable! What a beautiful dress! What beautiful hair! What a woman!” No one wanted it to be noticed that he thought the Empress looked rather silly, and nothing at all like a real woman, for then it would be said that he was unfit for his position or that he was homophobic.
About that time, one of the Empress’s silicone boobs became unglued and fell to the ground. The Empress bent over to pick it up, and her wig fell off. To make matters worse, the back of her dress split open, and from the rear, certain male body parts became visible.
“But he’s still a man!” said a small child, noticing the Empress’s schlong.
“Good Lord, let us hear the voice of an innocent child!” said the father, and whispered to another what the child had said.
“A small child said that the Empress has a schlong, and is still a man!”
Finally everyone was saying, “The Empress has a schlong, and is still a man!”
The Emperor, or Empress, whichever, shuddered, for he knew that they were right, but he thought, “The procession must go on!” He carried himself even more proudly, and the chamberlains walked along behind him as if nothing was wrong, and they all hoped they could keep this from appearing on FOXNews.
The Unknown Blogger
FootNote 1. The Image appears to be Drag Queen, Wettie White.
FootNote 2. The story is adapted from the version of The Emperor’s New Clothes, found here:
FootNote 3. The Caption.
From Patsy Rodenburg’s “Speaking Shalespeare”, pages 170-171