What If They Gave A Spanking And Nobody Came?

By Mick Dumdell


Face. Palm.

First, I want to make it clear that I don’t mean my question in a sexual sense, like with a dominatrix or anything like that. Because usually you have to either wait until you get back home for that, or pay extra up front. And don’t ever let that happen by accident or you will really regret it.Trust me!

No, I mean it in the sense of there you are, in some wretched Southern backwater, and you catch Little Johnny wearing his sister’s underwear, and you decide in a God-like patriarchal homophobic fashion to whale the tar out of him, so as not to “spoil” him. But imagine how you would feel if while you were beating on his backside, Little Johnny was laughing his ass off!

That’s how I feel! I feel cheated by the weak response of all those Southern rednecks and drunk yahoo trailer-park bunch of white trash who are NOT going apeshit over the taking down of their beloved racist flag. I wanted to see them in the streets with torches, pitchforks, and rope, and with a Black American or two, in  tow headed for the courthouse lynching tree, where an FBI Tactical Team could swoop in at the last minute to save the hapless Negroes from their foul clutches! And all caught by the MSNBC news team!

I wanted to see them rioting and burning and looting liquor stores, gun stores, and custom speed shops, caught on camera walking out with a set of headers for their 1978 Chevy pickup truck in one hand, and a 24 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer in the other!  So they could get a taste of what it is like to be frustrated with the system like the Black youth in Ferguson and Baltimore.

I wanted to see them hurt! I wanted to see them crying! I wanted to see them spray painting “KKK” and swastikas on Black churches! I wanted to see Bull-Connorish mob leaders sweating and howling in the town square against all the “niggers, Jews, Catholics, pointy-headed Liberals, and communist agitators” who have come Down South to change their sick, sacred way of life! And maybe even a burning black church, or at least a burning cross!

And damned if the sorry sons of bitches aren’t sympathizing with the nine Black Christians who got killed!  There they are, holding hands with Blacks, and singing Kumbaya. And putting teddy bears on the street memorial! This is not what I wanted at all!

Where’s the personal vindication for me, and all the other Liberals? I wanted to have the fun of watching them all melt down like the Wicked Witch of The West pathetically whimpering and mewling, “You cursed Liberals! Look what you’ve done! We’re melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought that panty-waist Liberals like you could destroy our beautiful wickedness? Oooooh, look out! We’re going! Oooooh! Ooooooh!

I don’t want to feel their pain,  I just want to watch it! I was hoping for a rerun of the 1960’s and damned if I am not getting Touched By An Angel! That’s how I feel! But beyond my personal disappointments, there is a bigger lesson in this for all of us Liberal persons of love and good will. We have to hit them harder! Let’s go after the stupid racists sons of bitches where it really hurts! Take down the American Flag! Tax their stupid gas-guzzling pickup trucks until they all have to drive Subarus or Honda Civics. Used ones! That break down a lot!

Yours very truly,

Mick “Spin” Dumdell

About Penelope Dreadful

An attorney, with a rye sense of humor.
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